Alright parents, we get it, you care about your kids. You care about your kids so much, you’ll let them wander the internet unattended and you’ll buy whatever game they tell you, even if that game is titled Decapitation Gore City: Sexy Hookers Edition. If we’re going to jump on the Ban Wagon, then we’d better not half-@$$ this. Grab all those R rated movies of yours and toss em. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
Done? Whaddya mean you refuse to do it?! Fine, it’s clear to me that you care more about Sharon Stone and Steven Segal than you do your own children. Fine, I’ve got a better idea. I’ll educate you. (Be me, I mean steal Telegraph’s tips and claim them as mine own with only a slight reference to them at the bottom of the list) It must be embarrassing to be taught by someone so much younger than yourself but life is a bitch. Alright, lets get started.
Tip 1: Don’t panic
It seems to be that we’re way beyond panicking. Take a chill pill. (It’s in the cabinet behind your husband’s viagra) Your kids love the internet almost as much as I love
video games my wife. So let them indulge a bit. A bit of sugar never killed anyone. (Except for that diabetic guy and I apologize for that. I’m sure he’s in a better place now)
Tip 2: But be practical
Moderation. If they spend as much time on the internet as me, there’s something wrong with them. Either that or they’re starting their own internet company and going to rake in millions. Be sure to find out which and either put a stop to it or invest.
Tip 3: Encourage the effective use of technology
I translate this as in ‘Play video games’ but I guess it could also mean to browse Wikipedia.
Tip 4: But make sure you understand it
Lets face it, you’re retarded. It’s a miracle you’ve survived this long. Pick up a few ‘For Dummies’ books and start crackin.
Tip 5: Use built-in parental controls
You don’t know how to use these and neither do I. Next.
Tip 6: Investigate special protective software
This tip is funded by a software company. I recommend that you
skip it buy it (Ed. I’ve been told to encourage to you buy special protective software. If you don’t, you hate your children.)
Tip 7: Don’t forget the mobile phone
on your kitchen counter. You always forget to pick it up before you leave for work. You’re useless!!
Tip 8: Protect your child’s online identity
The last thing you need is to have your child’s identity stolen. Imagine what criminals can do when they access Little Timmy’s records. (Not a whole lot, I’m guessing)
Tip 9: Remember that there is real danger out there
Like hurricanes and $#@! Stop watching American Idol and keep up on the news, you stupid $#@!
Tip 10: And finally: be realistic
Remember when you said you wanted to ban video games? Not happening, f***ers!!